Hello, EA here. If you're listening to this, then it's very likely that you've gotten through my album, Opheliac, in which case, congratulations! Now, that mind-altering, life-changing listening experience you've just had has no doubt left you with loads of burning questions, and that's really too bad because I thought I'd take this time we have together to answer not the questions you're asking, but the questions you should be asking. Here goes. 

Question you should be asking number one. Which goes faster, an asylum wheelchair or an asylum hospital bed? Something to think about, but please, everybody knows that a wheelchair is faster because of the what? Arm assistance. But then, a hospital bed is more aerodynamic, so that's really a toss-up and depends mostly upon how clean your floor is. Little known fact, however, we've actually tossed a third vehicle into the mix by strapping wheels onto a silver tea tray. It takes quite a bit of practice, but it is a much more sensible choice for going downstairs. Come on now, you knew that one.

Question you should be asking number two. Who is it that is talking to me at the very beginning of the final track on Opheliac, Let the Record Show? The answer to that is the man behind the curtain, the one and only Inky Dust. Inky is my recording engineer. He's the only person I will work with in the studio, and really the only one I ever plan to work with in the studio. I really don't think anybody else would honestly know what to do with me, and more importantly, I've never once wanted to murder him in any way, which is quite remarkable. Inky and I are actually considering making a behind-the-scenes edition of the Opheliac album, which will be similar, I suppose, to the director commentaries on DVDs these days, where you watch the movie on a low volume while somebody talks in your ear through the entire thing and tells you a bunch of inside secrets about how the record or movie was made, what kind of microphones we used. Trust me, that one is a lot more entertaining than it sounds. What kind of tea or other beverage we keep stocked here in mad villain studios, and any obscene meanings behind, well, in my case, the songs. Check back later for an update on that. 

Question you should be asking, number three. Here's one that I am never asked, and I've got to say, it's getting pretty old. The question I'm not asked is this. EA, what does it smell like on stage? You would think people would be a little more curious about that, but they're just not. Well, that's a shame, because the truth is, it smells like vanilla. Vanilla? Yeah, that's right. What? Yep. Why vanilla? I'll tell you why. In the attempt to convey the illusion of magic and mystery on stage, most venues provide what is called a fog machine. Now, to the fog is added vanilla scent and flavoring, which I have always assumed is a cheap attempt at masking the real scent and flavoring of artificial fog, which is why we are all probably going to die soon. Thank you. Moving on.

Question you should be asking, number four. EA, what mental illnesses do you not have? I am constantly asked by sundry esteem publications what's wrong with me, but I am never asked the relevant question of what's not wrong with me. Well, I do not have Tourette's. Goddamn junked up fucking cock whore, whore Republican. I do not have OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD. And let me see, there are a couple of really interesting things I don't have. Dissociative amnesia, for one, don't have that. And then the most interesting is dissociative fugue. In a fugue state, a number of things just might happen to you. You could leave your body entirely. You could travel thousands of miles and become a completely different person. This is very, very rare, of course. So rare, in fact, that I don't have it. What else do I not have? Oh, I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. 

And so do I.